A user's guide to BirdForum's "Rare Bird News" section

I like BirdForum. It is, in terms of forums about birds, without parallel and if you don't pay for news it's invaluable. However, I've noticed, as I'm sure most regular users have, that the Rare Bird News section is a bit predictable. Almost every thread follows the same pattern.

Now, if you're a newcomer to this busy forum of socially inept losers, might be a bit confusing and intimidating. How to fit in? How will your post follow the unwritten yet essential conventions of the forum?

Don't worry! Here's a helpful guide. I've tried to explain the most common phases that threads go through so you too can join in and not feel left out.

It all starts with news that a rare bird has been found...

"Confusion"

At this early stage, noone really knows what's going on. "Confusion" is most often people asking "OMG WHERE access details plz". Sometimes it manifests as "Suspicion" or "Doubt", at which point you might for example write "lol siberian shitchat? more likely a robin LOL" or "why wasn't news put out quicker? fkin supression >:[".

If there's even the slightest doubt that the bird is present, please feel free to cast wild aspersions about the quality of the observers, the possiblity of supression, the bird's wild credentials or anything else you feel might be (ir)relevant.  

"Useful Information And Related Content"

If the bird is present, and you can't think of any way to pretend that it's not, we'll enter the usually very short "Useful Information And Related Content" phase, where some users post things like where to park, where the bird actually is and how best to get good views, etc. This stage is entirely optional and widely discouraged. Sometimes, in the very best threads, it might not happen at all. If you must take part, get it over with quickly, and move on to the far better...

"Quick, derail it!"

The useful information out of the way, it's important that you start to derail things as quickly as possible. This is usually very easy. For instance, if the bird is in Ireland, Northern or not, you could start a lengthy and ill-informed "discussion" about internal/international borders and geographical regions. You might throw in an ID comment, for instance "the emarginations on the third and fourth anal feathers are totally wrong for loose-ringed gull" or "the secondary panel is clearly green-grey, not grey-green". Even if you can't get to the bird in question, have no interest in doing so or have no idea about its ID, don't worry - you can still take part. Simply say something like "oh, people still haven't seen one of these?! LOL TART'S TICK!" or "I simply don't understand why you would want to twitch this - you can see hundreds of them in their native [expensive foreign land]". 

With the thread now moving in the right direction - a broken one - we might move to the...

"Rose-Tinted Glasses" 

This is where users reminisce pointlessly about the past, gloat about it, and say things like "Ah yes, this reminds me of the '78 blue-nippled warbler at Slapton-Upon-Buttock, which I saw with Reginald Foreskin-Biscuit and the legendary late Keith Flaps. Needless to say, I won't be going for this bird and have nothing useful to add to the conversation". This is often a very lengthy and productive stage. Sometimes you might get several rose-tinted users who will fill the thread with inane ramblings and in-jokes that eventually derail it entirely in a useless backslap-fest that would be better placed in a thread of its own. This is a sign of a successful thread that's enjoyable for everyone, and totally not just the old guard from Scilly in the Halcyon Days.

"Complain like a pro"

By this point, most users have done the twitch, if they're going to. Sitting at home and arguing online is way more fun, so many don't bother to twitch at all. The "Complain" phase is an essential part of any good rarities thread - it's where you review the day's birding/forumming. You might say things like "shocking behavior and total lack of fieldcraft, wasn't like that in my day" or "it's simple innit the bird's welfare comes first innit", all the while knowing that you, as another anonymous, out of shape, greeny-brown-clad optics-toting loser like everyone else would have done exactly the same thing if you'd thought about it at the time. Other good targets for your entirely reasonable and well directed ire might include people who park badly or younger birders than yourself.

"Hooray, Thread Derailed!"

By this point, we've reached the endgame. Well done! Anything useful has been said and the thread is essentially pointless. The "Hooray, Thread Derailed!" phase is, needless to say, usually the longest phase of a thread. It's a free-for-all, really. You might choose to continue complaining about conduct, photographers, or how you just don't understand why people would want to travel for a bird like this because you saw one way back when. You might reminisce some more, chat with the old guys about the great twitches on Scilly, before any of the "teeny tickers" were on the scene and everything was better, or about how the 1987 Shinythroat at Little Skidmark was better than anything since. You could start a pointless argument with another user, or indulge in a spot of LGRE bashing. It's up to you! But whatever you choose to do, try and drag it out. You've got to make this last until the next rare bird thread.

When it all starts again...

Edit March 26th:

After a complaint in the "comments" section, I've added a picture. I hope it enhances your experience visiting this page.